Excerpt from:
A Parent’s Guide to
Preventing Homosexuality
(InterVarsity Press, 2002,
by Joseph Nicolosi and Linda Ames Nicolosi: $15.00 paperback)
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being a
father,” said Gordon, “it’s that each child is
different.” He settled down into the chair in my
office with a look of sad resignation.
A successful financial analyst, Gordon was the
father of four sons. “When Gloria and I were
married, we couldn’t wait to have a family,” he
said. “I didn’t have a great relationship with my
own dad, so I really wanted to have that
closeness.”
The couple had three boys in rapid succession,
both of whom now idolized their dad. Then came
Jimmy.
Gloria, seated in the easy chair next to her
husband, looked at me with sad, worried eyes. “By
the time I was pregnant with Jimmy,” she said
quietly, “I wanted a girl so badly. Jimmy was to
be our last child. When he was born, I was
disappointed to tears.”
Perhaps Jimmy and his mother had unconsciously
worked together to remedy that disappointment,
because at the age of eight, Jimmy was now his
mom’s closest friend. A caring and gentle boy who
showed a gift for playing the piano, Jimmy was the
kind of child who is naturally attuned to what
other people are thinking and feeling. By this
age, he could read his mother’s moods “like a
book,” but had not a single male friend his age.
In fact, he was already showing many signs of
pre-homosexual behavior. Gloria had recently
become concerned about the boy’s increasing social
isolation and depression. In contrast, their
older boys were happy and well-adjusted.
Jimmy’s gender confusion had first become
noticeable years before, when he started putting
on his grandmother’s earrings and trying on her
makeup. Gloria’s gold and silver hair barrettes
had been especially captivating for the little
boy, and he soon developed quite an astute sense
of what he liked and didn’t like about women’s
clothing–all this before he ever started school.
He was just four years old at that time.
“I treated Jimmy just like I treated all my other
sons,” said Gordon. “And I guess that didn’t
work, because he always seemed to take my
criticism the wrong way. He’d go off to his room
and refuse to speak to me for a couple of days.”
Now, having grown older, Jimmy was presenting many
other troublesome signs–an over-active imagination
that he used as a substitute for human
relationships; immaturity, and contemptuous
rejection of his athletic older brothers and the
friends they brought home. Gordon recalled that
their others ons always had rushed out to meet him
when he arrived home from work. But not Jimmy,
who had always acted as though his dad was
unimportant.
Right now, it was Jimmy’s fantasy world that
caused everyone the most concern. He had a
“make-believe” life in which he spent hours alone
in his room drawing cartoon characters. And
Gloria had observed another disturbing
pattern–whenever Jimmy became intensely frustrated
as a result of a painful event in his life, he
immediately retreated into the world of feminine
make-believe. When one of his brothers’ friends
was visiting the house and had teased or slighted
him, he would revert into an exaggerated version
of feminine conduct.
Finally, Gloria and Gordon agreed to do something
to help their son.
Gordon could see that his son had, for a long
time, retreated from him. “When Jimmy was little,
I went through a tough time. Our marriage was
stretched to the max, and I was having a lot of
trouble at work. I guess I just didn’t want to be
bothered reaching out to a temperamental little
kid who pouted and stomped off to his room
whenever I said something he took as criticism.”
The other boys, in contrast, had always been eager
to play with their dad and to seek out his
attention. “So I just let Jimmy choose not to be
with me,” Gordon admitted. “I have to admit, my
way of thinking was, ‘Well, if Jimmy doesn’t want
to be around me, then that’s his problem.'”
“Our strategy, then,” I explained, “is to do just
the opposite of what you’ve been doing. That
means, Gordon–you need to actively engage Jimmy.
Gloria, you’ll need to learn to back off from him.
And the whole family has to keep working together
to remind Jimmy that being a boy is a good thing.”
My strategy for him included encouraging Gordon,
his Dad, to give him special attention, having him
take the boy out with him on errands, and engaging
him in contact-type physical play. I try to
sensitize fathers to the many daily opportunities,
such as going out to gas up the car and allowing
the son to hold the gas pump, for example, or
stopping to buy an ice cream cone and engaging the
boy in a conversation about something that
specially interests him. All of these small
efforts are part of building the male-male bonding
that lay the foundation for a strong father-son
relationship.
Sometimes Gordon invited Jimmy to go with him into
the back yard to help him work in the garden or
start the barbecue. Gordon made it his business
to be home when Jimmy had his weekly piano
lessons, and to go to all the boy’s recitals. At
other times he included the boy in sports outings
with his older brothers, hoping to draw Jimmy out
from his habit of isolation and his resentment of
his brothers.
At first, Jimmy responded with explicit rejection
of his father’s invitations. When invited to go
along with him to the office, for example, the
invitation was turned down in no uncertain terms.
But as he developed a more comfortable
relationship with his father, Jimmy began to act
more like a boy, and at school, he was beginning
to find himself teased and scapegoated less often.
With my encouragement, Jimmy’s parents decided to
send him to a day camp that encouraged sports
participation but that was not competitive, and
that had more boys than girls enrolled. Jimmy’s
mother Gloria made the special effort of
soliciting the help of the camp supervisor, a
young college-age man who was willing to give
Jimmy the special male attention he needed.
Boys like Jimmy must understand that their parents
are supporting, encouraging and uplifting them,
not being judgmental and critical.
As a result of his parents’ consistent
intervention, there was a gradual diminishment of
Jimmy’s gender-inappropriate behavior. This
included not only his effeminacy, but his peer
isolation, general immaturity, and fear and
dislike of more masculine boys.
Later, Gordon told me, “When Jimmy dismisses me
and acts like I’m not important, I’ve got to admit
it’s kind of a slap at my ego, and I’m tempted to
walk away. It’s so much easier just to coast
along and accept the status quo. But then I
remember that Jimmy’s attitude toward me is a
defense. Underneath all that rejection and
contempt, he really does want to connect with me.
So I put aside my feelings and just keep pursuing
him. I dropped the ball with him when Jimmy was
younger, but now, I’m not going to let him just
turn me away.”
As we’ve seen, boyhood gender confusion is really
a retreat from the challenges of masculinity. And
many studies indicate that gender confusion is
also associated with other problems, which–as in
Jimmy’s case–usually includes rejection of his
father, social isolationism, and compensation in a
fantasy world.
Successful treatment helps the boy find his way in
a world which is naturally divided into males and
females. With the dedicated help of the two most
important adults in his life, his mother and his
father, the gender-confused boy can begin to
abandon his secret androgynous fantasy and
discover the greater satisfaction of joining the
gendered world.
As a parent, you’ll need to be sure that your
interventions–with or without a therapist–are done
gently and affirmatively, but clearly. While
discouraging unwanted cross-gender behavior,
parents must be sure that the child feels affirmed
as a unique individual.
This means your child need not be expected to be a
“stylized” boy or girl, with nothing but
gender-stereotypical interests. There can be a
fair amount of gender role crossover–but at the
same time, healthy androgyny must first be built
upon a solid foundation of security in one’s
original gender.
It is essential that you always respectfully
listen to your child. Don’t force him into
activities he hates. Don’t make him conform to a
role that frightens him. Don’t shame him into
covering up effeminate mannerisms. The process of
change must proceed gradually, through a series of
steps that are always accompanied by
encouragement……
Taken from “A Parent’s Guide to Preventing
Homosexuality” (c)2002 by Joseph Nicolosi and
Linda Ames Nicolosi. Used by permission of
InterVarsity Press, P.O. Box 1400, Downers Grove,
IL 60515. www.ivpress.com
